I decided to take on a project on Instagram’s newest feature, IGTV, and give it a try. Below is the transcription of episode 1. If you want to watch the video instead head over and find me @motherhoodhappened, thank you guys for always supporting me! I am looking forward from hearing from you guys your answers and any questions you think I should add! #projectlearnyou
Hey guys welcome to my channel! So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and observing that we tend to (and by we I am including myself) learn about other people, admire other people, follow other people and see what they’re up to in their lives and what’s their day to day like and I know for myself, I’ve been feeling like I need to learn more about myself. This is where this idea sparked.
I decided to write down a bunch of tough questions that I wanted to answer for myself and I thought why not share them with you guys. They’re going to be hard, they’re tough questions but the point is to learn more about yourself which is something I feel like we are lacking. We’re at a place where we are so consumed by other people and we’re not really learning about ourselves. So I wrote all these questions out a while ago, decided to write them on my laptop, print them out put them all in this bowl right here. I decided to make a series out of it. I’m going to call it ProjectLearnYou. I’m going to randomly pick out these questions and try my best to them. And the point is to not only challenge myself, but by you hearing this, by you seeing this video, I hope you can ask yourself the same questions.
I am completely nervous to be honest with you guys. To put myself out there is not like me, to put myself on video and express my thoughts to you guys but I think it’s something I need to do. Not only will it force myself to answer all these questions and really think thoroughly through them, but I also feel a purpose to share with all of you.
A bit about my background just so you can kind of understand more of my perspective on things. I am currently twenty-six years old, I have three other sisters, come from a huge family, I have a two-year-old named Jet and his father and I are no longer together however, we still live under the same roof. He’s still my best friend to this day, there’s no bad blood or anything like that so I understand that my perspective is going to be a bit unique. But I think everyone’s perspective is unique if you really think about it.
That’s just a bit of my background so you kind of understand how I answer these questions, they may or may not relate to what I just expressed. So, let’s just get into it! I’m kind of excited, kind of nervous but I think it’s important to do so let’s do it.
In what way are you your own worst enemy?
I feel like this is literally something that I’ve just been dealing with today so I’m going to answer from the top of my head, I’m so hard on myself. I think I over think a lot, if I make the smallest mistake, I will carry that tiny, stupid mistake with me for years or throughout the whole day. I drag it out and I beat myself so much but it’s so stupid. This is such a silly example but there was an embarrassing moment for me in high school where I used the wrong word in a sentence, that word did not mean that AT ALL. It was a negative word, and I kind of used it in a positive manner, and I will never forget to this day. I always hold it, I cringe a bit thinking about that thought. These are thoughts I need to let go of, what’s the point of me remembering that memory, why has it stuck with me for so long, and what am I so hard on myself about it? It literally makes no sense.
Why it relates to so much today [because] there was something I miscommunicated with or something I didn’t communicate well with PJ the other day (PJ is Jet’s dad) and that miscommunication caused other events not to happen. I’ve been really hard on myself these past couple of days [telling myself] dang Mary you could have said better this way, you could have relayed the information better that way and this would have never happened. But I can’t think of the should of, would of, could of anymore because it happened, get over it Mary, move on. Of course, easier said than done.
Own worst enemy, for sure. I don’t let go of my own mistakes and I need to. I need to forgive myself more, and that’s hard to do I get it, but I need to forgive myself more.
Do the ones you surround yourself with add value to your life?
This is a good question. I would say, yeah. I keep a very close circle. If you know me, I don’t really have friends like that. Of course, I communicate with people online but other than my family, I don’t really have friends. And all of the family members that I hang out with they definitely add value to my life in some type of way.
This is a really important question to ask yourself. If they’re not adding value to your life, kick them out. It’s not worth to keep, whether its negative energy or people that literally do nothing for you, especially if they just bring you down there’s no point in having them in your life.
Ugggh I did not want this question to come up.
What do you feel most guilt about?
I don’t know if I am ready for this question. Okay this is a little strange; I feel guilt but I don’t regret it. When I was much younger, I got pregnant with my ex (not PJ it was another guy) and I had an abortion. That was really hard for me because I didn’t really want to do it and it was tough. It was a pretty traumatic experience, it took a lot for me to get over it. I did feel a lot of guilt. I thought a lot of what could have been, but I am also very grateful for that experience now.
Not only did it make me grow up a whole lot, I started to see people differently. I definitely got more jaded after that experience, but it grounded me in a way, so it wasn’t necessarily completely negative. I got to see people’s true colors from that experience and I feel guilt, I feel like I haven’t forgiven myself completely, but I am also grateful because I recognize the fact that had I not done that I would’ve never had my son currently. I wouldn’t have the life I have now. I am so blessed to have the life that I have now, I would never have PJ, I would never have my son had I kept that child at that time.
My life would have been totally different, and I know that one hundred percent. I am working on forgiving myself little by little, its still something that runs through my brain (not everyday but it does come up) and its tough to get over. Even though I know it is such a controversial topic, I think it is really good to get support from one another. I wish I would have gone to some type of support group or something like that while I was going through it because it was super tough on me especially at the age I was in.
What are you most grateful for?
The most simple or probably cheesiest one would be my mom. Literally without my mom I would not be on Earth. But that can go back so many generations. If it wasn’t for my grandma my mom wouldn’t be here therefore, I wouldn’t be here. All of the generations really, I’m just glad that I am on Earth and I have my son and I have PJ. I can list PJ, Jet, my mom, sisters, etc.
What are you most grateful for? You know what, scratch that. I think I am most grateful for me and PJ separating because from that experience I grew tremendously. I became self-aware, I felt like I woke up, I’m conscious now of certain things that I wasn’t before. And I am incredibly grateful for that because I don’t think I would have woken up so to say at the age that I have had I not gone through the break up that I did. It was a hard break up, had ugly moments but we made it through and we are so good now, so it may have to be that break up honestly.
Are you waiting for someone else to solve your problems?
That’s a tough one. It’s very real, because I know people get into scenarios like this. I think I’m at the point where I recognize that any problems I do have come from me, they come from within, so I have to look within in order to solve them. There is no outside influence that is going to help me regardless and once I’ve accepted that, and once I put it all on me life got much, much, much easier because I wasn’t able to point the finger at someone else or wait on someone else to help me. Once I learned to help myself and get through certain things it made the ride of life smoother.
What risk would you take if you knew you could not fail?
This is a heavy one because I think a lot of people don’t take certain risks because they’re so scared of failure. I honestly would probably take out a business loan for my blog and really establish it well and really create the brand and business that I envision. Could I do it now? Yes. I do not necessarily need all the money in the world for it. Would it make things easier? Yes. So, if I knew that it would not fail at all I would probably get the money, get more help to make the process faster.
Do you love yourself as much as you expect others to love you?
Hmmm. I don’t know. I could say “of course I love myself!” But I don’t think I am there yet and I am okay with that answer. I’m a work in progress. I do wish one day I get to the point where I love myself as much as other people love me because I do recognize the love from others and I recognize how others view me, but I need to get to the place where I see myself that way. And I don’t yet and that’s okay. I see myself gradually getting to that place.
I need to continue not giving a f*** about what people think of me and that’s really hard because I come from a place where I care way too much, I’m a people pleaser, I care way too much about what people think or say about me whether that is on my looks or my opinions, my thoughts. There was a time where I cared TOO much and I feel myself slowly not giving any f**** anymore but it’s not one hundred percent there yet.
Are you living your passion?
That’s a really good question to ask yourself right now. I thankfully can say yes. I am a stay at home mom, I am able to see my son every single day, I’m able to work on creative projects like this. I’m able to freely do what I want to do and that’s amazing. I am so blessed to have that life, but I would say I am for sure living my passion right now, I’m free. I get to really be involved in his life and I couldn’t be happier with that. But then I also have this other side of me where I like to share. I like to be very private in that sense and keep my home my home and just have us three do our own thing and be together. But then I also have this other side of me that’s a bit more creative and I feel like I have a lot of thoughts that I know I need to express to the world in one way or another and I am able to do that through here or through my blog and soon a podcast.
It’s nice to have that balance, privacy of a home base but also able to share what goes on in this brain of mind to other people like you. I’m very blessed to have the life that I currently live, is it perfect? No but am I happy waking up every single day to the life that I have? Absolutely. I think that is beautiful, I think that’s freedom. To be able to do what you really want to do everyday is amazing.