motherhood happened

Journey of being a mom, and maintaining a healthy life

  • Home
  • About Mary
  • Blog
    • Mindfulness
    • Health & Fitness
    • Food
    • Lifestyle
    • Motherhood
  • Podcast
  • Contact

How to Co-Parent With Your Ex | Positive Co-parenting

12/19/2018

Repin this post on positive #coparenting I share tips and experience to help you have an amazing #positivecoparenting relationship in your family! #motherhoodhappened #family #goals #familygoals #relationships #divorce #breakup #tipsforcoparenting

Today I’m going to talk about co-parenting. I want to make sure to say this before you read on, I understand that co-parenting may not be an option for everyone. If it’s something that you are interested in, and do feel like it’s attainable, then keep on reading. I will share what I went through and how I got to the amazing co-parenting relationship that I’m currently in.

To give you guys some background (because I am in a pretty unique situation), when PJ and I separated, I moved out and we lived separately for a year. There was a lot of ups and downs in that year, I learned A LOT in that year. However, we’re currently living together but it’s not romantic at all, we are just two parents who are raising our child together.

He’s my best friend, I consider him my life partner, but there’s nothing romantic going on. I’m basically just raising my child with my best friend. He wasn’t always my best friend. That year things got ugly, things weren’t always picture perfect, but we did a lot of work in order to get to where we are now.

If you are interested in having a positive relationship with the mother or father of your child, I really hope this helps you because there’s nothing better than truly working as a team. What I am going to share with you will also apply for people who are not living together but I wanted to be upfront and let you know the dynamics that I am in.

This post contains affiliate links. For more information, see my disclosures here. 

I had two choices.

One of the first things I realized was I really had two choices; choose fear or love, and I chose love. I decided not to fear the future, think about what ifs, think about all the possible horrible things that can happen with my son now that his father and I are no longer together. It was simply driving nuts.

I just chose to let go of all those possibilities for the future and just love PJ for PJ. And when I say love, I mean love him unconditionally, accept for exactly where he is in his life, exactly for who he is, what he is. I chose to accept everything about him. I don’t want him to change anything about himself and I have no desire to change him as they did in the past.

It’s important also know that just because you guys ended a romantic relationship, it doesn’t mean that your love story needs to end. I remember trying to fit myself into this box of trying to figure out what’s the perfect or typical co-parenting relationship. Should we keep it very businesslike where we just hand off the child, only speak about the child and that’s it, or do we have a friendlier relationship where we talk on a personal level about our lives? I was also trying to find the balance of how much to share about our personal lives, and how much to keep private.

Frankly, that was just a lot of work : / I found myself overthinking a lot, trying not to cross certain boundaries, questioning am I doing too much, and I am not doing enough, am I being a good mom by acting this way, am I being a bad mom by acting this way?

I sat with myself, did a lot of self-reflecting which allowed me the opportunity to think outside of that box and not feel like I have to be in this typical co-parenting relationship where it’s solely about the child. I tried this different approach and I figured out that’s what best works for me and my family. I decided what’s best for our family was to continue our love story, it’s just not the same love story I originally expected it to be.

Girl, are you actually happy?

I’m really happy about the way it ended up turning out because we get to show Jet what true love really is, well what true love is to me. It’s not necessarily about all the romance, intimacy, and all the lovey-dovey type of stuff, but we’re showing him a true partnership. We are showing him two people really working together for their family and doing it in a friendly, respectful manner.

Of course, we’re still affectionate towards each other, it’s just nothing that crosses the line. We still give hugs and kisses on the cheek so we do get to show him some type of physical affection but I think it’s awesome that we get to show him that it’s not necessarily all about the exclusivity, the labels, and being sexually intimate with someone. We get to show him that you can really love without that and still have a real partnership with someone, and real connection with someone too.

Check out these FREE organizational printables! Over 25 pretty printables to organize your home and life! #motherhoodhappened #printables #freeprintables #organizationalprintables #letsorganize #freecalendar

Forgetting a major key to everything.

Something I think that many forget throughout the emotions of heartbreak and going through a separation is that this other person is our family. I think we slap a label of “ex” and forget that they’re not just an ex, they’re still family. It took me time to get to that place where I had to stop viewing him as my ex, but it makes sense. We created a child therefore, we created this line of possible generations to come. It’s not like once he’s 18 that’s it, PJ and I will never speak again.

We’re still related, we’re still a family, there might even be a day where we’re going to be grandparents together, great-grandparents together, this is not something that ends at 18 years old for us. And with family there are ups, downs, fights, but there’s also making up. You want to have a good relationship with your family at the end of the day, I know I do at least, so I make the same effort with PJ as I do any of my other family members. I love him the same way I do any of my other family members.

I also have to be grateful because without him there would not be a child to begin with. Try to keep that in mind that this person even if it ended horribly, as ugly of a person they may be, they helped you create this child and for that be grateful. You can sleep at peacefully at night with that alone.

What I learned in therapy.

This was the BIGGEST realization I made when we were going through the ups and downs that year of figuring things out or trying to be the best parents, we possibly could be in the circumstances we were in. I learned this through my therapist (she does take call/video sessions in case you’re interested). I remember her explaining to me in one of our first sessions, it only takes ONE person to change the dynamics of a relationship.

In the beginning I was trying so hard to work on the relationship with PJ and I felt like I kept failing or I kept getting frustrated because I felt perhaps, he wasn’t trying as hard as I was. That was a fail on my end because one parent changes everything, it took me a bit to recognize that to be true.

If two people are acting the same way all the time and there’s friction, and one person decides to switch it up, the other person has nothing else to react to any more. It’s going to naturally change the whole entire dynamic as long as one person changes. I really hope that makes sense and let that really sink in.

You don’t have to depend on the other person to work with you, the other person doesn’t have to go to therapy with you, the other person doesn’t necessarily have to do anything. Now, will it be great if they choose to do so, and are willing to get the professional help if that’s what you want? Yes, that’s amazing, but if they are reluctant towards any type of work, know that you can change it.

Try your best not to focus on what they’re doing, figure out what you can do, let go of pride, ego, whatever it is but focus on you, forget about what they’re doing. I read a lot about conscious parenting (you can check out this AMAZING book here) because of something else my therapist mentioned, she said if there’s one conscious parent your child is ahead compared to other children. And I agree, if there is one conscious parenting, your child’s going to be fine, more than fine let me tell you. Learn more about that here.

I know it’s hard to not want to yank the other person like come on let’s make this work, let’s have this good relationship for our family, for our child, but if they’re not ready, they’re not ready. Do you, do your work, do what YOU need to do in order to make this a positive situation whether that is saying okay, okay, while they’re screaming and yelling, maybe you need to walk away during a heated discussion, whatever it is, you take you take control in the situation and you’ll begin to see, they’ll begin to react a bit to your change of behavior because they won’t know what to do anymore.

They were so used to you reacting and behaving a certain way that when you switch it up on them, they have to figure out and adjust how to react to you now. Slowly but surely, it’s going to get better. Even if it’s not the most perfect positive co-parenting relationship, when you go to bed at night, you’re going to have peace. If you are good, your child or children will be fine.

I hope that wasn’t too long, that is it for all of my tips and experience when it comes to positive co-parenting. I do think it’s possible, even though you may not be in the same kind of dynamics as me, know that it is possible to do, with your desire and your hard work I know it is attainable. Remember, you do the work. Don’t rely on anyone else.

Thank you so much for reading this really, it means the world to me. The fact that I have your attention right now speaks volumes. There’re so many other things you could be doing, reading, watching right now, and the fact that you are here reading about my experience means a lot.

If you have ANY questions at all on this topic or any personal questions on co-parenting for me, please don’t hesitate to ask. I would love to hear from you!

This post contains affiliate links. For more information, see my disclosures here. 

As always, thank you so much for reading! If I provided value to you and you want to support my work, please head over to my Patreon here. For $5 a month you can directly help me continue providing content for you! 

Related Posts

  • Reconnecting With Your Partner After a BabyReconnecting With Your Partner After a Baby
  • Change Your Mind to Boost HappinessChange Your Mind to Boost Happiness
  • How to Get Over a Break UpHow to Get Over a Break Up
  • Let Go of Mom GuiltLet Go of Mom Guilt
«
»

Filed Under: Lifestyle, Mindfulness, Motherhood Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

welcome

Hi there, friend! I'm Mary and I'm delighted you came across my blog! I take joy in connecting, and sharing my experiences with others to provide value to anyone I can. My story is a rough one but it is also one that turned positive and I hope it can help others. We may cry, we may laugh but what I can guarantee is growth. I write about food, fitness, mindfulness, self-awareness, and overall things I have learned to become the best version of myself.

Enjoy browsing! Click here to learn more about my journey...

Connect With Me!

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

New to Mindfulness? – Start Here!

Search

Click below to grab my free guide!

Want To Grow Your Email List??

Free 7-Day Mindfulness Course

Learn the EXACT steps I used to overcome depression, be present, and have inner peace!

Get Organized With Printables

Check out these FREE organizational printables! Over 25 pretty printables to organize your home and life! #motherhoodhappened #printables #freeprintables #organizationalprintables #letsorganize #freecalendar

How I Increase My Traffic Through Pinterest

Latest on Instagram

_marygissellbarahona

✨So you are ready to change. You have the discip ✨So you are ready to change. You have the discipline, you have the motivation, you have your goals, you know what you have to do. However, you begin to realize the people around you are not happy with the changes you have made or about to make. ⁣
⁣
✨This happens more often than you think. Others are so used to you being a certain way so when that begins to change they begin to push back. It may not be ill intentioned but it does happen. ⁣
⁣
✨Acknowledge that there may be pushback, be prepared for it, and keep pushing towards your goals. People adjust and if people do not adjust to your change, do not allow that to stop you from your path of bettering yourself. You know what is best for you, be confident in that. ⁣
⁣
✨I felt like the biggest failure when the father ✨I felt like the biggest failure when the father of my child and I separated. It was a really rough part of my life and I went through some of the hardest moments of my life. ⁣
⁣
✨There was such a huge sense of failure I just could not shake. The relationship ended because of some issues he had to deal with as an individual but I could not help but continuously blame myself. ⁣
⁣
✨I felt like I failed as a partner, I failed as a mother, I failed to keep my family together, I felt like I failed at life. ⁣
⁣
✨It took a while to detach myself from that kind of thinking but it was liberating when I finally did. ⁣
⁣
✨Just because the relationship was broken, it does not mean you are broken (even though sometimes it feels like it), just because the relationship failed it does NOT mean you are a failure. ⁣
⁣
✨Detach your identity from the experience you went through. Seek professional help if needed, but please debunk your own thought, you are not a failure. Pick yourself up and take the lessons from the relationship.
✨Sometimes things are unclear in a relationship. ✨Sometimes things are unclear in a relationship. Sometimes there is a miscommunication. Maybe you are in a middle spot between dating and exclusivity. ⁣
⁣
✨I know there are times I have felt insecure about asking for clarification. Sometimes you can feel nervous to ask about where you stand. Sometimes things are unclear when there is an argument. ⁣
⁣
✨You shouldn't feel "needy" or "too much" when asking to clarify something. Many times issues come about when we do not ask for clarification. ⁣
⁣
✨Ask questions in your relationships. If you are unsure about something, ask! We are curious beings, it is okay to question things for knowledge, peace of mind, and or safety.⁣
⁣
Let me know below if you have dealt with feeling "needy" asking for clarification! ❤
✨Can we normalize celebrating ourselves without ✨Can we normalize celebrating ourselves without seeming like we are full of ourselves? Why is that seen as being of ourselves anyway? ⁣
⁣
✨You should be proud of your accomplishments. This world is freaking tough at times, and the fact that you are not only surviving but SUCCEEDING (whatever success means to you) is amazing and should be celebrated!⁣
⁣
✨No waiting for others to celebrate you, celebrate yourself! 💃
✨Not feeling good about yourself stems from mult ✨Not feeling good about yourself stems from multiple areas. For me, it is often picking my body apart. ⁣
⁣
✨I have some loose skin from my pregnancy, I have discoloration or hyperpigmentation in some areas, and yes I ABSOLUTELY have cellulite. Oh yeah I forgot to add dealing with acne at times (frustrating!) ⁣
⁣
✨I would be lying if I said those things do not bother me. They do at times. They do the times I focus on them and focus on them with a lens of negativity. ⁣
⁣
✨These things do not make me more or less of a worthy individual and that is what I have to keep in mind. ⁣
⁣
✨We have to do a better job valuing ourselves and that includes valuing our bodies too. My skin protects me from so much yet I find myself often mad at it. ⁣
⁣
✨My skin, my body, my appearance do NOT make me or you worthy as an individual.
✨Caring what others think feels like my identity ✨Caring what others think feels like my identity at times because it feels like I have always allowed what others say and think affect me. But it's not my identity nor is it yours. ⁣
⁣
✨You do NOT have to allow what others think or say affect you. It is easier said than done, trust me I get it. ⁣
⁣
✨However, I do think there are small steps we can do to start. Let's get to know ourselves better. ⁣
⁣
✨I believe the times we struggle are the times we are most disconnected with ourselves. ⁣
⁣
✨Keep your values in mind, know or learn your interests and be confident about them, and last but definitely not least is to become comfortable without all the noise. Sitting in silence alone is probably the scariest but most peaceful things I get to do. Spend some time with yourself. ⁣
⁣
Let me know down in the comments if you agree! ❤
We often think we have to one thing or the other. We often think we have to one thing or the other. We don't. You can be amazing right at this moment AND still be a work in progress. You can be caring AND selfish. You can be a multitude of things. ⁣
⁣
Don't allow yourself or others to place you into a box of rigidness. ⁣
⁣
✨You won't thrive in rigidness. ⁣
⁣
Get comfortable with having dualities or having different elements and parts to you. We are not ONE thing, we are ALL things and that is okay. ⁣
⁣
I know there are times I catch myself invalidating my experiences of being hopeful for example because my anxieties kick through and I am being cautious about the same thing. I shouldn't downplay my moments of hope (which is super important) because I am also incredibly scared. I can be hopeful and scared. ⁣
⁣
Learning to flow between two spaces and accepting both spaces creates moments of being content. Allow yourself the permission to experience all things and be all things. Don't let others tell you otherwise. ⁣
⁣
❤ What are some dualities you have experienced recently? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!
If you felt lonely and not good enough in 2020, le If you felt lonely and not good enough in 2020, lets start the year with a different mindset. ⁣
⁣
You ARE worthy. You ARE worthy of love. You ARE enough. ⁣
⁣
If you have to repeat it to yourself 20 times a day, do so because it is the truth.⁣
⁣
I know there are moments of loneliness and defeat where it does not feel true but know that it is. Your sense of worthiness must come from within, no one will ever fill that void for you. ⁣
⁣
No one "worthy" will find you worthy if you do not begin valuing yourself. ⁣
⁣
You got this! ⁣
Remember you are special too.⁣ Remember you are special too.⁣
You absolutely can and will. Believe that, work, a You absolutely can and will. Believe that, work, and see how things change. ⁣
⁣
You got this!⁣
We often view being productive as something we sho We often view being productive as something we should aspire to be every single day. I know many of us feel bad or guilty when we are not what we usually deem to be productive. ⁣
⁣
It is okay to relax. It is okay to get absolutely nothing accomplished today. There is a balance to life. There is room for productivity and room to relax. Make space for both and do not feel guilty about it. ⁣

⁣
#treatyourselfwell # #youareworthy #singlemomlife #singlemom #singleparent #singlemother #singlemomstrong #selfcarequotes #selflovetips #selflovefirst #womenempoweringwomen
I think we often forget this. People are not alway I think we often forget this. People are not always going to agree with us. It is okay for us to not like that feeling. We want to be understood, and we want others to agree with us. ⁣
⁣
However, both being kind and disagreeing with someone can exist together. ⁣
⁣
With family and friend gatherings (whether in person or through zoom) comes debates and disagreements in regard to many things. ⁣
⁣
Shifting our perspective to appreciating disagreements instead of disliking them could help manage our feelings better in the moments of disagreements. ⁣
⁣
Have an amazing day!⁣
We compare ourselves to others often, especially d We compare ourselves to others often, especially during the holidays. We can be happy for others while also being a bit down that we don't have that certain thing. Maybe it is a pregnancy, an engagement, a new home, or even a new job. ⁣
⁣
Whatever it is know that just because someone else currently has it or is experiencing it, that in itself does NOT mean you can not experience it one day. ⁣
⁣
I know it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes but do not give up, be patient, and continue working towards your goals and desires. ⁣
⁣
You got this girl!⁣
I think most families can relate to something on t I think most families can relate to something on this list. Families are not perfect nor will they ever be but that does not mean you should not stand up for yourself when something does not sit well with you.⁣
⁣
You don't want to make things awkward, don't want to disrupt or bother? ⁣
⁣
I get it, I think the same way. I am the pleaser, the peacemaker. ⁣
⁣
But as I learn more and grow I am realizing how important it is to stick up for myself. ⁣
⁣
If a question or comment bothers you, speak on it. It is okay to have feelings and have your feelings heard if you so choose. ⁣
⁣
Of course, there are respectful and healthy ways of communicating but DO NOT dismiss your feelings or your desire to be your own advocate. ⁣
⁣
I know it is harder to do with loved ones because frankly, loved ones are the ones that hurt us the most because we care so much about what they think and say. ⁣
⁣
That said, be really conscious and perhaps practice responses before the holiday party. I think we usually know what others are going to pick at us for because it usually is the same thing over and over again. Practice sticking up for yourself, you got this!
Families do not all look the same. We have differe Families do not all look the same. We have different kinds of relationships that may not be "picture perfect" and that is okay. Especially during these times many jump to the assumption that we all have "normal" families (whatever that means). ⁣
⁣
But we are complex people and with that comes complex relationships with one another. Don't be ashamed for not having the relationship people expect you to have. ⁣
⁣
If you want to work on these relationships then great but if you do not want to that's alright too. Don't let others shame you for not having a great relationship with a parent, a sibling, being separated and having a coparenting relationship, whatever is "out of the norm."⁣
⁣
Protect your soul and know that no one family is perfect.
Believe this to be true, because it is. There are Believe this to be true, because it is. There are moments we feel like we can not go on because we are not good enough, smart enough, or strong enough. ⁣
⁣
But you are. Do NOT quit and keep going. This hardship is not going to last forever even though it may seem like it presently. Everything comes to end whether it is good or bad. ⁣
⁣
Know that you ARE strong enough to handle the day, you got this! If I have to keep reminding you that you are ... I will :) ⁣
⁣
Love, Mary ❤
Your mindset has such a MASSIVE influence on how y Your mindset has such a MASSIVE influence on how your day goes. Yes, there are outside influences or external reasons for our days to go to shit (I definitely know this haha) but really taking advantage of the things we do have control over (our minds) can be tremendous. ⁣
⁣
Start this week having a positive mindset and see how your perspective affects your day. Our minds are powerful, let's care for them and use them well! You got this!⁣
⁣
Love, Mary ❤
With the holiday season comes family times and it With the holiday season comes family times and it is usually presented or known as a positive and beautiful time, which it can be. But that is not the case for everyone. ⁣
⁣
Coming together may mean facing uncomfortable realities or truths we may not be ready to deal with or forgive yet. ⁣
⁣
I think many of us also think we have forgiven a situation or a person when we really have not. (I definitely have!) ⁣
⁣
It is not an easy task to accomplish but with some time and work it can be done. ⁣
⁣
Which one resonates with you the most? ⁣
⁣
Love, Mary ❤
Taking care of yourself as a mom is at times diffi Taking care of yourself as a mom is at times difficult if I am honest. We are so used to putting our little ones or even other adults before us. It comes naturally to us. ⁣
⁣
With that said, I do think it is CRUCIAL to take care of ourselves as moms especially because others rely on us but we are individuals too that ALSO need caring!⁣
⁣
These 4 ways to take care of yourself as a mom are things we would prioritize for kids, so let's prioritize it for us too!⁣
⁣
⁣
⭐Nourishing our bodies: eating foods to energize us and treat our bodies well ⁣
⁣
⭐Practice good sleep hygiene: create a nighttime routine you can stick to and is realistic in order to get the peaceful sleep you need every night⁣
⁣
⭐Heal emotionally: take care of your emotional health, many times we have no idea how much this affects our lives subconsciously or subliminally ⁣
⁣
⭐Build and sustain relationships: making new relationships and sustaining old ones are super important. As humans we need one another, relationships are incredibly important to us. Making sure to set aside some time to foster those will aid in taking care of yourself. ⁣
⁣
What are some additional ways you take care of yourself? Let me know!!⁣
⁣
Love, Mary ❤
How to get over a breakup fast, is it possible?! ⁣
⁣
New YouTube video is now live. I react to one of @tatycokley videos which is amazing! I love her spirit in this video but I break down her tips on moving forward after a break up. ⁣

Link in bio.
⁣
How fast do you think one can move past or get over a breakup?? ⁣
⁣
#breakupssucks #breakupmotivation #breakupstatus #breakupadvice #breakupcoach #breakuprecovery #breakupthoughts #breakupsarehard #breakupstory #breakups #reactionsvideos #reactionvideo #reactionvids #youtubecommunity #youtubelife #howtogetoverabreakup #gettingoverhim #gettingoverabreakup #movingontobetterthings
Load More... Follow on Instagram

Don’t Miss a Post!

Enter your email address to receive notifications of new posts by email.

Copyright

I appreciate it when you share however, please keep in mind that all text and images on this site are property of Motherhood Happened. Feel free to use one or two photos so long as a link back to my original post is included. Please do not remove any watermarks, crop, or edit any of my images without first obtaining written permission from me. Pinning is always appreciated! Thank you!

Disclosure

We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

Copyright © 2021 · Adorn theme by Restored 316

Copyright © 2019 Motherhood Happened • All rights reserved. • Privacy Policy & Disclosures