Welcome to episode 1 you guys, I can’t believe I’m doing this. I am incredibly excited about this podcast. I’ve been thinking about it for quite some time and I’m just glad that I finally have the guts to do it. So thank you for taking the time to listen and follow this journey of mine.
I want to start this episode with a bit of an intro of myself so you could get more of an understanding of why I think the way that I do and where I come from. I am a first-generation kid, raised in New York City, and I come from a family of 4 daughters, I am the second one.
We moved to Orlando, FL, I graduated from Florida State, entered law school when I was 21, became pregnant at 22, gave birth at 23, and now I’m a mom to a 3-year-old.
Jet literally changed my life forever. His birth gave me a real purpose in life. I view the world much differently now because of him. I have different goals because of him which brings me to the present and this podcast.
I started my blog almost two years ago, motherhoodhappened.com, and it started because I needed an outlet. I needed an escape from my reality. I will warn that this episode will be a bit on the darker side, but I promise future episodes won’t all be like this.
I went through some really ugly things, but I am hoping by sharing my story I can provide value to you and be of help to someone who needs it just like I did. I was uncomfortable with the thought of sharing these things but now I’m in an amazing space and it wouldn’t feel right not sharing what I have learned with others.
Around two years ago, I felt like my world was crumbling down around me while I was discovering a new one. My son was 10 months old, I was the happiest I’ve ever been … or at least I thought so at the time and PJ, Jet’s dad, decided that he wanted to separate.
That hurt me. It hurt me really bad. I’ve never been heartbroken before and it was hard. It wasn’t even my ego that was crushed when he told me that he wanted to break up with me. I remember the exact moment he told me, I didn’t think about myself at all there was no me in my mind. The first thing I thought of was my son.
I started thinking the worst possible outcomes immediately. I started thinking that his life wasn’t going to be the way I imagined it to be, he was going to be in this split home, and he was going to be ruined. My mind just started spiraling to all these negative thoughts and worst possible consequences.
After some days, the thoughts started to shift inward and then that’s when I started questioning myself. I began questioning if I did something wrong, was I not enough that I ruined my own family, what did I do for this all to happen. I started to think things like maybe I nagged PJ too much about certain things, perhaps I neglected him with being so involved with our new baby that I just didn’t pay attention to him anymore. I didn’t know what it was, but I definitely started blaming myself which is something a lot of us do.
My mind was filled with all these negative thoughts for a really long time, too long of a time. There was a lot of things going on which then lead to thoughts of self-harm. That’s hard to say because it’s not something I’ve ever said publicly, it’s not something I’ve ever told my parents, my family, but I wanted to leave the world.
I was just so overwhelmed with everything. I felt like I couldn’t handle what life was at that moment. I didn’t want to be me anymore. This really sucks to say but there was a point where I honestly thought my son would be better off without me.
It’s so difficult to wrap my head around those thoughts now but at that time that was a very real thought as foolish as it may sound to my ears now. Since there was a lot of ugliness going on between PJ and I my thought process was I rather my son have one parent that’s going to do a decent job then have two parents who can’t get along. I convinced myself that my son would really be better off without me.
I obviously don’t have control over someone else’s way of being or someone else’s life, what they choose to do, the decisions they make, I can only control myself so that’s the way I thought about it. I can only control me so it’s almost like I have to eliminate myself out of the situation.
And it’s a sucky way to think. Part of me feels ashamed for thinking that way but I’m being honest it is the way that I thought at that time. I was depressed so I wasn’t necessarily thinking in the clearest way but I really want to share this story because I want to show people that you can pull yourself out of depression, you can come out and be okay, strong, happy and be fulfilled without what you originally thought your life was going to be like.
I’ve always been the smart, responsible, and nurturing one in my family. I’m the go to girl when someone wants advice. It’s just how it is, and I love that role. It’s not as if that role bothers me but when I was in the situation of needing advice from someone else, I didn’t have anyone to turn to or at least I felt like I didn’t have anyone to turn to. So just keep that in mind there are certain people in your life that you feel are perfect or have everything together, are so composed and may not be that way behind closed doors when they are home alone. I know I wasn’t.
And I didn’t ask my family for help. To be frank, this is going to be hard to express but they’re honestly one of the reasons why I wanted to leave the world in the first place. I’m sure many families can relate to this, but my family is EXTREMELY judgmental about one another. Things like you know who you marry, when you have children, how do you parent, your appearance, your career, your aspirations, just every single little thing.
It’s foolish now looking back at it how my mind worked or how could I have possibly had the thoughts that I did but at that time I just thought there was no way that I could tell my family what was really going on. I couldn’t express to them that I failed at my family. That’s how I felt like I failed at having a family, it didn’t work out, we’re not together anymore. I felt like I failed at something and that sucks not being able to go to your parents or go to your sisters or cousins for guidance and support.
I felt if I were to go to them it would be there would be judgment instead of support. I contemplated killing myself a lot but there was one particular night that I really was ready to go. I remember it like it was yesterday it’s really strange because on one end my family had a huge part of the reasoning behind wanting to leave the world but yet it was a huge reason why I stayed. It was mainly because of my mom.
I’m going to try my best not to get emotional, but I’m a people pleaser I’m just going to say it. I’ve always put others before myself I want to help others like I mention I’m the go-to girl I want to help out in any way possible. I don’t like to let people down. I say that because the idea of me leaving the world and my mom finding out that I did so, knowing how much that would crush her how much that would literally kill her soul I couldn’t bear it even though I would be gone from the physical world I still felt guilt. I felt guilt in the sense of I know even though I’m not here I would still be causing my mom such sadness and pain because I’m gone forever now.
That was one of the reasons why I stayed but another reason which is probably one you wouldn’t think it was actually PJ. I’m incredibly thankful for that man not only did he give me my son of course, he saved my life that night. I won’t say exactly what he did but I will say that he did something that kind of woke me up and put me in a position which I had to think quick on my feet and kind of just had to snap out of it in a way and it’s so strange because of course at that time I felt like he was the reason why my world fell apart essentially but yet he saved me.
As much as people have their own judgments about him or for lack of knowing him or lack of understanding him, I will always be grateful for him. He’s helped me out in so many ways we have such an incredible relationship now and I’m just happy that I’m here living. I get to see my son, I pushed through depression and really came out strong.
This season I really want to go into topics of getting over a break up, how to forgive, how to move forward, how exactly I am co-parenting with him presently, and how to truly get out of the funk that I was once in.
I really hope that this can help people if you are in a similar situation or feeling sad or low, if you have thoughts of self-harm please go get help, I mean it. For those who aren’t going through something similar but maybe you see signs in someone talk to them and get them help. Or perhaps check in on your go-to person to see how they’re actually doing in their day.
But yeah, I am excited for my first season where I will be able to explain how I got to the mentally healthy place that I’m in today while also handling being a mother.
I just wanted this first episode to be an explanation of my purpose if this podcast. There will be hard topics of conversation but also fun and light-hearted ones, that’s motherhood.
I want to provide valuable content for you guys, something that you guys can truly be encouraged and inspired by.
If you have any questions connect with me at motherhoodhappened.com. Don’t forget to sign up for my free 7-day mindfulness challenge where I challenge you to reprogram your mind to see how a shift in your mindset can really make a difference. You also can get exclusive access to other free materials while you’re there. Thank you for listening, until next time!