Hey guys and welcome back to episode two. Today we’re going to explore why the heck is it so hard to forgive someone and how to do so. Forgiving someone isn’t easy especially if it’s someone you held to such a high standard or had a high expectation of. I think that’s where the problem really begins, its expectations.
We paint these pictures in our minds of people, create our own realities, that when the picture is messed with, we blamed them and not the person who created the picture in the first place. We end up pointing the finger at someone else for what we are experiencing, and I think it does a huge disservice for us.
We end up holding a grudge or resentment for things and people that aren’t being affected at all by it. so what’s the point?
I get naturally you may hold on to that resentment initially, and you can’t help it but how long is too long to hold a grudge?
I thought about this and I think it’s too long when it starts to affect your life. That may be hours or weeks but when you start having that icky, nasty, feeling inside when you begin to think about the situation again, whenever that emotion or feeling comes up and you don’t feel good, it’s affecting your energy, your vibe, it’s time to let go of that crap.
And when my whole situation happened with PJ there were definitely times I was being so petty. I wasn’t dealing with my emotions well and there were times where I was just sitting in hate whether it was with my own self or against him and at the end of the day it didn’t really make a difference because he was out and about living his life when I would sit and harbor all these nasty feelings.
Who knows what he was doing at that time I was just sitting there wasting my time being upset for no reason, me being angry or me you know pouting for whatever reason wasn’t affecting him at all. It did it change him; it didn’t affect his behavior at all so it’s something that ended up being really useless.
But how do you let it go?
I had to first recognize that I haven’t let it go yet, but I was, in fact, holding resentment.
That involves a lot of self-awareness. I have to be in a place where I was able to self-reflect and see what’s really up. I got there through the help of therapy my therapist, Sally High, you can check out her website at lifecounselingorlando.com if you’re interested and she does do Skype sessions or phone sessions as well. She has been my life saver, she’s so good. I consider her more so a spiritual mentor then a therapist, she’s just been super helpful.
But once I realized that I was holding onto something, I had to shift my energy into accepting what I was feeling but without blaming PJ for my feelings.
We have to be responsible for our experiences whether they’re good or bad. Leaving our happiness, our peace of mind, our positive spirits in the hands of someone else is just a recipe for disaster. Learning to be accountable for my thoughts and feelings was empowering once I finally understood it. The light bulb went on and things just started making sense left and right.
If you’re thinking forgiving someone gives him a pass or allows that behavior to continue, trust me forgiving them isn’t about them at all. It’s reclaiming your power. You don’t have time for them to change in order for you to feel better. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
And for my petty people out there if you still want to be a tiny bit petty know that killing them with kindness is true it’s so satisfying. There’s literally no better feeling than being kind to someone who has been shady to you and I’m not saying to be fake, I don’t like that. But genuinely forgive and be kind. See their reaction to how you switch your behavior.
It’s amazing you begin to see how you are really in control of your own life, and the dynamic will change once you change how you move. When I started approaching arguments or discussions with PJ differently the dynamic had to change because my behavior changed.
I can’t control him, and it only takes one person for things change. I didn’t need him to do anything at all. The fact that I was approaching things from a place of love, a place of kindness I think opened his eyes to developing a better relationship with me because in a way it may have made him feel foolish like “wow I’m the asshole in the situation but yet she’s being nice and respectful, I should switch things up too.”
And let me make this extra clear it’s not being passive or walked all over on its sincerely coming from a place of kindness to just realize the stuff I’m angry about isn’t worth of my sense of peace. The best thing you can do when you’re an argument with someone who clearly wants to go at it is just say, “okay” that’s the best response ever. Just try it just say okay and walk away if you have to if you are really heated then just walk away but “okay” has been the best response in any type of situation that I’m in whether it’s PJ or someone else that’s trying to pick a fight with me.
Don’t allow yourself to get heated and get to a place where you harbor that resentment and the cycle begins again and again.
There was one piece of information that I found online through YouTube actually that really hit me hard. It was a guided meditation. For those who don’t know I do meditate daily, its crucial to my well-being and I encourage it. If you want to find out more about meditation there are few posts on my website or you can just look at my Pinterest, there’s a dedicated board to it as well.
But I definitely encourage it. A guided meditation is one in which you’re actually hearing someone guide you through so there’s a voice actually talking to you throughout it which I like, especially for people who are just starting out meditation I think it’s a good introduction to meditation because it’s not as scary or you’re not as confused as to what to do or what not to do while meditating.
It keeps you in a more concentrated state of mine then if you’re just starting out and you feel like you might get distracted a lot. But anywho so yeah this specific guided meditation was actually about resentment, and I’ll try my best to find it and link it into my show notes which you can check out on my site or the link should be in the episode description wherever you’re hearing me.
(Unfortunately I wasn’t able to find it uuggh, it was so good!)
Basically, the guided meditation went through these different steps of you having to imagine different things and if I remember correctly it started with imagining a child in your arms so you’re just holding it you know rocking it back and forth back and forth and you really care for this child.
Once you’re in that state of mind it tells you that that child is you, the younger version of yourself so you’re holding yourself as a baby and you’re rocking back and forth and back and forth.
I could be messing up and I really hope I’m right. But the next step then it’s to imagine them a little older and you give him a huge hug and you just embrace them and again you’re imagining yourself as a person you just trying to take care of them you’re rocking them back and forth back and forth and giving them as much love as you would.
And then it went on to, they put you in the state of mind again of holding a baby back and forth back and forth and it told you to imagine the person you’re holding resentment against as a baby that you’re holding in your arms back and forth back and forth. Then again seeing that child a little older and embracing it with a huge hug.
Maybe it doesn’t sound as intense as I’m making it seem. I don’t think I’m giving it justice but the way that person spoke about that meditation, oh my gosh my eyes started bawling, I couldn’t control myself like I was just crying throughout the whole meditation and I think it’s because I never saw it that way.
You know when we have arguments or have bad days with adults, we just view them as adults that we’re fighting with. We don’t see the little person, the little child in them always, at least I know I don’t.
When I’m In the heat of the moment I’m not viewing someone as a child that just needs a hug or needs to be embraced, needs to be loved, or wants to be loved.
I think it also hit me because I’m aware of PJ’s background and his upbringing wasn’t the best so to actually hold a baby PJ in my arms just brought tears to my eyes because I know how hard he had it and oh my gosh if there was a baby PJ I would embrace it just like I imagined in my head.
I think that’s also what got me emotional and I think what I learned from that is that 1) we act upon all we know 2) we are human and 3) the idea of just treating adults like children.
It sounds funny but in some ways, I’ve seen how that can be very beneficial, just hear me out.
With the first one, we’re all conditioned. I’ve tried to uncondition myself, so to say, with a lot of things but I’m still conditioned to many things today. I’m conditioning my child daily even though I’m not intending to do that in a negative manner but that’s just the reality of it.
And speaking of reality, there isn’t one set reality and I have to realize that or I had to realize that people view things really differently and we’re going to make mistakes, we are human.
And with the mistakes, that’s where the growth really happens. You have no idea how happy I am that all of the ugly things happened to me. I’m glad I got to experience all of this is, especially at such a young age.
I think it’s incredible that I’ve been kind of blessed with the experience which kind of led me to this road of essentially learning about myself.
That moment or those moments allowed me to learn about the true Mary and I will be grateful for that forever. I would not change one single thing.
I think many people go throughout their lives without really getting to know their true selves and it’s a shame so I’m just happy that I was able to start to learn to know myself at such a young age.
And with the third point, treating adults almost like children again, I want to make clear that it’s not about giving this person a pass, it’s not an excuse but there’s a legitimate reason behind what has occurred, whatever that may be in your situation.
And I think there’s a difference between an excuse and a legitimate reason.
This may be very controversial but I really believe people are well-intentioned for what they know I don’t think there are people out there doing bad things on purpose, if they are doing what we consider “bad” I believe it’s because that’s all they know how to do.
Whether it’s a mental issue or the environment they were raised in, if they don’t know better, they can’t do better.
You end up in the same pattern you grew up in. Instead of just placing blame on people how about we just talk, we try to relate, we listen and just flow with each other instead of trying to change and manipulate people into being what you want them to be.
I feel like we have to allow people to have their own journey and not feel responsible for teaching them something along their journey. Just focus on your journey and for example, with a child, I would not want to change anything about Jordan.
I’m not going to try to change anything about Jordan, I want him to flourish and be who he really is. I love him unconditionally; I don’t want to change and manipulate or mold him into a certain way that I think he should be. That’s not love you know, and I think that’s how we should treat adults too.
It’s not our job to so-called fix or mold people into a way that we want them to be or we want them to live. I think that causes a lot of issues and it’s a huge step if you at least acknowledge that and not do that.
But yeah, I will try to link that guided meditation for anyone who’s interested from ever feeling annoyed or bothered by something silly, something stupid, I think back to that.
I think of the little PJ, the baby PJ in my arms and what made him the way he is, so I can gain some perspective or some understanding as to why he may be acting the way he is in the moment that I consider myself being annoyed by him. I hope that made some sense.
I want to touch on forgiving yourself real quick. I think I have an easier time forgiving others than forgiving myself for things. I’ll leave you with this before moving on to next segment because the guided meditation did mention about you holding yourself as a baby or as a toddler embracing them with that big hug; I just want to emphasize or I just want to put forth to really see yourself as that baby that you are holding.
Take care of it, hold it, see it for what it is, a person new to this world who’s just trying to make its way and experience it all. Don’t put that baby down for mistakes made along the way, encourage it, give it an environment to thrive with purpose, be kind, listen, and allow the child to grow and be independent and fulfilled without the need of anybody else.
To recap the three things that I use or think of when I’m in need of forgiving something or someone is:
1) Acknowledging the fact that I am holding on to something and I need to let go of it, with that said taking accountability for the way that I’m feeling and working through that.
2) Knowing that we’re all human and we’re all going to make mistakes and to give you a sense of peace just think to yourself they don’t know any better which goes along with my third point.
3) The idea of treating adults like children in the sense of being empathetic and trying your best to show compassion for them even though they may have done something really wrong to you, for your own sense of peace, remember this is about you and your freedom, being compassionate towards them is going to give you the release that you need for YOU and YOUR life regardless if they deserve your forgiveness or not.
I really hope you were able to take something from this. I want to move onto to the segment that I call Project Learn You. I started this on Instagram, but I wanted to pause on it and take it to my podcast instead.
This is where I pose a question to you taken from a bowl that I have here, and I challenge you to answer the question for yourself. So, let’s see what I pull out today.
Okay, have you learned to accept yourself unconditionally?
I guess that goes along with forgiving yourself and all that so that kind of worked out perfectly.
You know this is something I’ve been thinking a lot about and I haven’t which is sad, and I don’t like it.
It’s something I’ve been trying to work on. I feel like you know the saying if you have to love yourself before like you can’t love other people before you love yourself or something like that.
I don’t think it’s true because I’ve loved other people unconditionally without a doubt, but I can say I do not love myself unconditionally and that’s because I haven’t worked through all the insecurities that I do have. It’s mostly physical things but I want to get to the place where I absolutely feel 100% secure and happy in my own skin and not feel like I love myself to a point.
I feel like that’s where I am right now, I love myself to a certain point. That’s hard, I don’t think I’ve accepted myself. That’s a tough pill to swallow but I haven’t … if I’m honest with you guys I really haven’t. But at least I’ll find some comfort in this, I think many of you could probably say the same that at least if we’re on the journey to doing so, I think that counts for something and I have to pat myself on the back at least for that.
That I am making a conscious effort to accept myself and love myself unconditionally. Yeah, so that’s a deep one.
Okay guys, so that was it if you have any questions connect with me at motherhoodhappened.com Don’t forget to sign up for my free 7-Day Mindfulness Challenge where I challenge you to reprogram your mind to see how a shift in your mindset can really make a difference. You can also get exclusive access to other free materials while you’re there. I would love your support if you can subscribe, share, rate and review, wherever you hear your podcast I would so appreciate it. Thank you for listening, until next time.