Hey guys welcome to another episode of the Motherhood Happened Podcast. By the end of the show you will learn my thoughts and experience on jealousy, trust, homewreckers, and something I have never admitted publicly but is important to say. I learned a lot about myself with that experience and the power in being able to say no.
Summer is a time many have flings, or are meeting new people, exploring different things and experiences overall. However, there are also those who are also having a really tough time because they are going through a breakup or are attempting to repair something that’s been broken.
First, if you are going through the latter, I’m sorry. I don’t know why you are hurting, or where it stems from but if you need to hear a sorry … I’m sorry for them or for it.
I want to start this episode with the topic of jealousy. There are some or maybe even many that believe jealousy is healthy in a relationship. So, the question is, is there a healthy amount of jealousy in a relationship?
What I often hear is a little bit of jealousy is healthy. I do not agree, and I do not really understand why this is a concept that is somewhat accepted.
I do not think jealousy, to any degree, is necessary in a relationship. The justification I usually hear is that it shows that one cares or loves you or you still “got it.”
Listen to that for what it is, doesn’t that sound a little f***** up to you at all? A bit of jealousy being a good indicator of a good relationship? Sounds nuts to me and I am not a psychologist or any kind of relationship expert, but it seems odd to me that there is validation attached to jealousy.
If anything, I feel like jealously is probably a decent indicator that there are insecurities present which one may work on bettering.
When jealously exists in a relationship that’s more than just a little bit, it’s usually because some trust was broken, perhaps an affair, whether it is from the current relationship or a past relationship.
Trust is a complicated subject. Trust is something I thought really long and hard about when I went through my separation. I would tell him things like, “I trusted you and you let me down.” But with therapy, and a lot of moments sitting by myself I started thinking … “what the heck is trust anyway?”
From my understanding trust is the belief in reliability of someone or something.
And where does that belief come from? From you right? You have control over what you personally believe. So, when my therapist pointed that out to me, my mind was kind of blown. I never trusted him. I don’t trust anything at all really. I simply trust MY judgment about that thing or person. It comes back to me, it has nothing to do with them.
My perspective on trust shifted. I do not trust anyone, I never trusted anyone, I trust or trusted MY judgment about people. Sit with that or a bit, it takes time to digest because it’s not something we have been conditioned to think about in that way. We’ve been taught to place the responsibility on the other person, and it’s not about excusing their behavior but, instead it is about shifting that energy into something that is actually in YOUR control.
I stopped pointing the finger and I realized I trusted MY judgment about this person, and I was wrong. That was it. At that point I had to look at myself and see where perhaps I was blindsided and what I can do to change things in the future. These were now things I had complete control over. My anger or agony were no longer dependent on someone else.
It can be a crappy feeling at first because of course it is easier to blame someone else for your feelings, but once you get over the initial crappy feeling you will see how empowering it actually is. Overall, the less victim-hood you create in your mind and the more accountable you are for your being, things will be better because these are now things you can tackle and fix.
And listen, whether distrust has occurred recently or not, know that more than likely it will happen again. It’s an unfortunate truth. We are human and our judgment is not going to be perfect, I frankly do not think it should be perfect, but we will come across many experiences in our lives where we feel like we placed trust on someone or something and we feel like they wronged us.
Since it is going to happen anyway, why not learn how to manage our reactions and switch the perspective inward where instead of initially blaming something else, just take it on the chin and keep it pushing.
That way you can avoid the heartbreak, or anger directed towards something else you cannot control and instead focus all that energy on you, something you CAN control. As with any of these topics if you ever want me to go more in depth or answer any particular questions please feel free to contact me through email or through any of my social media.
But still keeping to the idea of trust, I wanted to bring up girl code. Girl code, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, is basically these sets of unwritten and or unspoken rules that exists between girls and girlfriends.
I don’t even feel like it needs to be a term honestly because many of the “rules” are really just human decency or being a good friend. I remember though one always really bothered me. I remember as young as middle school talking to my friends like who cares when a friend dates someone you like or been with. It seemed so silly to me, very elementary. Looking back at it now I didn’t realize how forward thinking I was because the idea of “that boy is mine” can be broken down to so many issues truly. It’s problematic in a lot of ways.
But can I just say real quick how in the world can you call dibs on a person?? Whether it is a girl calling dibs on a guy or vice versa like what the heck is that? Whether I hear it in person or through the media I’ve always been so confused by that idea especially because it is so accepted. People aren’t property. Let me say it again, people are not property. That’s my PSA for the day.
And say I’ve dated someone whether it was casual or really seriously, who the hell am I to say no you cannot touch him because I’ve touched him? That sounds so incredibly silly. Now I understand relationships and friendships are complex and maybe it can cause awkwardness or tension but who cares?
If these two people are vibing and it actually works out between them, who am I to stop that? Or who am I to prevent them from even attempting? Life is too short man. And if it is something you can no longer be around because you feel a type of way, then don’t be around it.
But any who, even though I do not think the term girl code needs to be a thing, I do respect the concept of speaking to woman to woman, one on one about anything whether it is good or bad. There are certain things a woman can only relate to just like there are only things men can relate to or there are certain situations where it just makes sense to speak to a woman instead.
I’ve been in a situation a while back where me and the guy were separated but the “homewrecker,” and I put that with quotes because my perspective is that homewreckers don’t exist, I will get to that in a second but her and I were in contact for several reasons. Nothing bad but we had each other’s numbers.
Basically, the dude was being incredibly, incredibly shady to her. And it was not about being petty I promise you, but all I tried to do was give her a heads up just woman to woman like I know you may not believe me which is totally understandable but I would feel wrong knowing what I know, having means to contact you, and not contact you.
My communication was always really respectful towards her because one there was no hate at all directed towards her from me at all, no ill will there and two I never wanted HER to think that I felt anything negative towards her. So, I reached out, said what I said, and she didn’t believe me. And that sucked and it sucks that many women don’t believe other women in these kinds of scenarios. I was like damn, I tried but again I guess it was her journey to learn in her own way. Perhaps she had to see it for herself. So, I had to let it go, but at least I tried once.
And I get that there are people who are petty and lie on purpose to the other women, but it just stinks overall that there has to be this tension or conflict with the so-called homewrecker. I mentioned earlier I do not believe they exist because I simply do not see what they did wrong.
If a homewrecker is simply someone who knowingly or unknowingly got into some sort of relationship or hooked up with another that is in a committed relationship, I do not see why she is at fault regardless if she knew he was in a relationship. She is not the one who made a commitment to me for example, so why should I be pissed at her?
Again, it goes back to the idea I talked about earlier that it’s much easier to point the finger at someone else, in this case at the girl instead of looking to point the finger at the guy and then after deeper thought pointing the finger to yourself.
I am not saying it is actually your fault if someone is unfaithful to you but what I am saying is taking responsibility for it will allow you heal from it. Again, bad judgment. Take it on the chin and keep it pushing.
Being accountable gives you the leverage of being able to make changes within yourself where YOU see fit.
Now if you’re at a place where you want to repair the trust that has been broken or are currently trying to repair it, my best advice would be to start with being open to self-improvement. At least one party has to be willing to make changes for things to change. You have to decide to forgive OR to be forgiven.
I do not want to forget about the person who compromised the relationship because they may very well be listening too. If you are forgiven, decide to actually be forgiven. Accept being forgiven, stop beating yourself up so much and work towards forgiving yourself because things aren’t going to progress or get better if you do not accept being forgiven. That’s really important to note.
I know mistakes are made and forgiving yourself can be one of the hardest things to do so it’s crucial to your journey in healing, so keep that in mind along with finding out and understanding why you compromised the relationship to begin with. There is something there, some reason or some reasons why you did want you did.
But aside from forgiveness, in order to repair trust, I would say time and work needs to be invested. Time won’t make underlying issues or resentment go away. Yes, time helps but if it is not paired with work you may very well find yourself in a cycle where you act like everything is fine and the same thing happens over and over again. History repeats itself, unless you do something different this time.
Lastly, I want to mention something I touched on in episode 5 but it made more sense to include in this episode. I was talking about setting boundaries and being able to receive boundaries from others. One thing I didn’t necessarily go into was being able to say no. It seems like a no brainer, or something all of us should be able to easily do. And it is easy for some of us. But I also think it is really hard for a lot of us.
It is hard for me to say no. It was much much worst was I was a teenager and in my early twenties. I wasn’t capable of setting boundaries AT ALL. I never did as a kid and it continued to my adult years unfortunately. I wasn’t ever taught how to set boundaries or how to respect boundaries or what boundaries even were which is why I spoke on how important it is to teach children about boundaries in episode 5.
I say all of that in this episode because I spoke on being unfaithful. I have been unfaithful to two people in my lifetime and a huge reason is because I didn’t know how to say no. I was super young but it was still hurtful to the ones I did it to. None of this is to invalidate their feelings or to excuse my behavior but instead it’s to show the reason in which I did what I did. I’m not perfect.
Cheating is not something people enjoy talking about, but something tells there are a lot of cases like mine where they did not want to do certain physical things but went along with it because they felt like they couldn’t say no. I feel like in general there are many young people, boys or girls, who go along with sexual acts because they do not know how to say no.
In my scenario, I was unsure of myself. I was timid. I was a pushover. I could be easily manipulated. I wasn’t self-aware or conscious. I knew what I was doing was wrong and when I would politely say no I do not want to, the guy would continue, my assumption taking it as a playful no instead of an actual no. I would say no multiple times, wouldn’t be heard then I just gave in, I felt like I had to just do it.
And during the act itself I would be thinking to myself the whole time this is wrong, I do not want to do this, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop it. I should have put my foot down and said no firmly so I could be taken seriously. My no’s would never be taken seriously at that time in my life.
People know I am a people pleaser and so naturally I allowed myself to be taken for granted in many ways. I didn’t create the boundaries I needed; I did not stand up for myself. Instead, I would fold and bend to whatever the other party needed from me. And that’s not on them either, that’s on me.
When looking back at these events years later I was first like is this rape ?? As I am sure many of you might be thinking. I said no multiple times, but the guy continued, but it’s not like I punched him in the face and ran away, this was someone I knew for years and dated for a while.
The topic of rape is very complicated to me, it confuses me in a lot of ways honestly because it doesn’t seem black or white unless the scenarios are extreme where there is power, and violence involved. I am very ignorant to subject of rape which is why I do not want to claim I was raped.
I personally wouldn’t consider it rape. I questioned it at first but then I pointed the finger back to myself, again not to excuse actions on either end, but for me to have closure and to have insight about myself. There was a lot for me to work on.
I took responsibility for my actions, what I did and more importantly what I did not do. Yes, it sucks that I couldn’t stand up for myself, yes it sucks that when it came to sex in general at the young age I started I frankly did not want to do any of it but felt like I had to. I felt like I had to please the other person, I had to be nice. I had to not say no. Perhaps you can relate or perhaps you can’t regardless of sex.
I am currently to this day still trying to find out why I couldn’t stand up for myself and why at times I am still not able to stand up for myself. It could be as simple as I was never taught, but I have a feeling it is much deeper. It is something I have to look into with therapy sessions, really looking deep into my childhood and certain events that occurred. This is something I most definitely want to avoid when it comes to raising Jet. I want him to be able to say no confidently and be able to respect someone else’s no and follow through with both.
I wanted to get that out of my chest because I am an example of someone who betrayed someone’s trust, I know the other side and I also know what it feels like when I’ve felt people have “betrayed” me.
You never really stop to think of the other person and why they did what they did. We get so filled with anger and sadness we do not stop to think that they need healing too. We are all healing from our traumas every single day.
And I want to emphasize this because I feel like a lot of my content people can spin it as me excusing poor behavior and that is not my intent at all. My goal is to have you open up to the idea of another perspective, to see how empathizing with the other side could probably help you heal.
There are a lot, a lot of people struggling out there every single day, so my goal is to help you out in your healing even if that means suggesting to view the other side. Aside from gratitude and not taking things personally, I would have to say it is one the best ways to heal.
The moment I empathize with my enemy is the moment I grow, the moment I heal, and the moment I learn.
I think that is a perfect way to end the episode before moving on to the last segment, Project Learn You which is where I read a question for the both of us to answer. I will answer it on the spot, and I want you to think of your answer as you go about your day. Let’s see what we get today.
This is a good one.
Is there anyone who you feel resentful or angry towards and how does it benefit you to hold on to those feelings?
For me, I honestly don’t feel … I feel like I finally got to the place where I don’t feel any anger or resentment towards anyone. If anything I think … I have you know those moments, nothing’s ever perfect like when you have those moments where you’re a bit down I find myself being a bit disappointed or resentful towards myself.
Like I explained earlier, it’s super hard to forgive yourself and I feel like I haven’t fully forgiven myself for a lot of things in many ways. There are things that I still need to work on and things that I need to let go of because they’re not healthy. You’re holding on for these things for what? There’s absolutely no reason.
Not that it affects me on a daily basis but whenever I get in those moods where I am down, I don’t know maybe like a couple times a month, if that or something. Whenever it does come around, there is no benefit at all I mean other than I guess perspective.
But honestly when I do get in those down moments and this is something I suggest for you guys to do to whatever that negative thought is that comes in your brain whether it’s directed towards someone else or whether it’s you, whenever it does come up in your brain, acknowledge it. And then also knowledge the last time it came up.
I know for me in the very beginning of me like going through all these changes that I have, in the very beginning you know those negative thoughts with come up frequently. But then overtime as I did my work and overtime as well, those negative thoughts would have come up less frequently.
So every single time it would come up it’s almost like I would give myself a pat on the back and say, “you know what Mary, you haven’t thought about this for a while, it’s alright forgive yourself, it came up it came up it’s fine it naturally came up in my brain that’s okay but pat yourself on the back because you haven’t thought about this in a really long time.”
And the more I did that every single time, again less frequent was the next time that I thought about that negative thought. So, whenever I do feel any sort of way about myself, I have to acknowledge it, accept that the thought is there but also acknowledge how long it’s been since you even thought that and you know just sit with it.
And know that that thought will pass and just make sure you’re actively working on it becoming less frequent and actually tackling whatever that thought is to make sure that hopefully eventually, it doesn’t come up again.
And that is a wrap! If you have any questions don’t hesitate to connect with me at motherhoodhappened.com where you can find my email and all the links to my social media pages along with exclusive access to other free materials while you’re there. Please reach out to me if you have any questions, need advice, or any stories you want to share on this podcast.
Thank you for everyone who has been riding with me from the beginning and for those who are new welcome! I would absolutely love your support, if you can rate and review this podcast, I would so appreciate it. Thank you so much for listening, until next time.